January 8th, 2010

Failed again. How can I get myself serious about writing every day? Who knows.

I just finished reading East of Eden. It is a 600 page book that took me only 7 days to read, and I was taking my time. I am usually a fast reader, but with this one I couldn't speed my way through it or put it down.

I don't really want to write about the themes in the book. I am writing because I feel the need to do something. I certainly can't read anything else at this moment. I can't watch anything either. I've tried, and my mind won't let me drop the story of the Trask family. I'm stuck at work while my mind races and hits walls and collapses in on itself and then returns to racing. I love it. I love that people can tell stories that ring the bell of truth so hard that it hurts, builds, and tears down all at the same time. Not many things give me more joy than the experience I had today, and I just wanted to write that down.

Nov. 28th

Well, that was a longer break from writing than I was planning to take. I actually wasn't even planning to take one day off. I am really trying to dedicate myself to this, which I think makes it hard for me to get back after I miss a day. I tend to want things I do to be perfect, and if I accidentally mess something up I usually just stop caring. I need to quit expecting things to be done right and just keep on trying. Plus, it's just a stupid blog. Who cares if I miss one day? Well, I care, but who besides that? Nobody.

I've had a good week or so. Nothing really to report. The McKims had a baby. That's cool. Thanksgiving was nice. Not great, but nice. I've finished two books. The Case For God by Karen Armstrong was the first. I really enjoyed that one. It was an analytical look at the history of how humanity has interacted with God or godlike entities. I would recommend it to anyone who is interested in exploring his/her faith without all the religious or antireligious language and stances that usually riddle these kind of books. It really impacted me. The other book I read was True Grit by Charles Portis. It is a novel that has been adapted into a film by the Coen brothers. I am a big fan of their films, so I wanted to have a nice grasp of what their latest movie would be like. I wasn't impressed with this book. It read just a like a standard Western novel would, which is bad in my view. It was formulaic and violent. It was sort of interesting to have a fourteen year old girl as a narrator and vigilante, but that didn't redeem the book in my opinion. I'll bet after watching the movie version this will be one of the first times I will like an adapted movie better than the book it was based on. There just wasn't much there. Oh well.

This should be a good week. I feel confident about that. See you tomorrow.

November 17th Reading:

I just read a section of a poem from Anselm of Laon that I thought I would try to remember. It starts rather abruptly, so I'll try to add a bit to help understand what he means.

[I want to grasp] a little of your truth, to which my heart is already loyal

and which it loves. For I do not seek to understand in order that I may have faith, but I commit myself in order that I may understand; and what is more, I am certain that unless I so commit myself I shall not understand.

It might be strange out of the context of the book I am reading, but I just wanted to remember it.

November 16th, 2010

Worked the open shift this morning with James and Shaun. I love the feeling of being done with work shortly after I am fully awake. That first two to three hours is usually just a sleepy blur.

I had lunch with my parents today, my mom started talking to me about the Truth Project DVDs they are watching and discussing with Erica and Scottie. We then had a discussion that rode the fence between civil and uncivil about the merits and demerits of the Focus on the Family organization. I don't really like them and am skeptical of their programs and publications. I believe this is an earned distrust, not just a stigma that they've earned by their associations.

I helped my brother and dad move some stuff on and off a trailer.

Dinner was horseradish cheddar grilled cheese sando's. Real tasty.

Went to the Fenders to do some cleaning. Afterwards, I sat down and read a vastly misinformed article about young "post-Christians" in Fred's copy of Christianity Today. I think I read that magazine for the sole purpose of getting pissed off.

I'm excited about my day off tomorrow. Should be nice to spend the day reading and relaxing.

November 15th

Today I worked a bus shift at the M. It was a fairly normal day, but the monotony of the job really got to me. I was in a good mood, but I was certainly feeling quiet and tired. Not sleepy or physically tired, just shut down. I am on and off about working at the Flying M. I love the place, and most of the people I work with, but I just don't know if I can handle foodservice for much longer. In fact I know I can't. My friends are even telling me that I need to get a new job.

I've been reading A Case for God by Kristen Armstrong. It's been good. Lots of ups and downs, though. At one moment I am feeling inspired by how humanity has viewed God and practiced religion, and at the next I am depressed at revelations about Christian history and left wondering what I really believe in. Then, I am back to being completely content with what I believe. I am loving all this history, but I am not really one to get into history. It's confusing. Maybe I should read that Lee Strobel stuff next, so I get both sides of the argument for God. Then maybe I should read some Dawkins, so that I am not unaware of what I think I disagree with.

I learned more about my possible future job today. It looks like drafting is actually a good place to be in this economy. Lots of professions need drafters. I am thinking it might be a good place to start in my quest to become an architect.

Diana and I sat by the fire tonight, it was nice. I had to lock the dogs out of the library so they would stop barking. They were being distracting and annoying.

Today is the day that Harvey is due. No Harvey yet. It is exciting for one of the couples in our friend group to take the parenthood plunge.

Back to the Blog

Hey everybody or nobody,

I'm coming back to the blog world. It has been about 7 months since my last post. I haven't stopped reading, but I have stopped writing about reading. I'm sorry if anyone/no one is disappointed about that. I've decided that I want to start doing a daily register concerning my humdrum life. Mostly this is inspired by Diana's visual diary that she is keeping. I realized how much I forget about myself in a day, and I would like to continue to compound on my experience, instead of forgetting about it and repeating it in a constant cycle. Anyone/no one who might be reading this for any reason other than an interest in me should be informed that it might be personal and it might be philosophical, but that it will probably be self-centered. Also that it won't be polished. I don't want to spend a lot of time editing things like I did in the posts that came before this one. I just want it to be a reminder of where I've been and what I've done. I've decided to keep the name the same, because it still makes sense. Expect my next post to be within the next few hours from now.

-Joe

Easter 2010

Introduction: After reviewing this posting, I realize it might sound like I believe we should treat Christians better than we treat non-Christians. I don't believe that, but it should be noted that it might be easier to offer love and forgiveness to those that don't believe the same as us if we can love and forgive those that share our values.

Tomorrow is Easter. The most important Holy Day on the Christian calendar. This year I feel oddly lost by the whole thing. It has been an uneventful, yet challenging year for me and my faith.

I still consider myself a Christian, and I still see God daily in the world around me, but the distance I feel from my "beliefs" seems to be growing. This is funny to me, because I feel strongly about what I do still believe. God's existence makes total sense to me, and I do not doubt his presence. I still believe Jesus' ways are the perfect example for the human life to emulate, so living with Him as the centerpiece of my faith is also a certainty for me. I guess what is most likely the cause of my "lost" feelings is the fact that in the last year I have given up organized church.

I am not one of those that has a problem with organized religion, mind you, but merely modern organized "church". I probably wouldn't have this problem if I was Catholic, they still have the sense that your church is your church regardless of how happy you are, or what the church is doing for you.

My problem is one clearly shared by numerous people in the evangelical world today, the collective evangelical church (and how the church views personal faith) has become too much of a product. The "church" is a building, or a charismatic pastor, or the people attending the church, and you get to choose which building, pastor, or group of people most appeals to you. They design the church to fill certain needs for certain types of people.

If your needs or beliefs change, or the direction of the church changes, there are countless other churches waiting in the wings to sweep up the mess that is made. People even switch churches based on advertising campaigns. People aren't unhappy where they are, but the grass is greener on the other football field, or they're gym has treadmills, AND elliptical machines. Is this how we were made to come together? Choosing which church best fits us? Don't we share the Christian title with many types of people, including those we don't always agree with?

Even beyond those whose exact beliefs we don't share, I'm sure there are many instances where people choose not to attend a church based on how others might look. How many whites do you see in a primarily black church? How many people in Nampa would attend a mostly hispanic congregation when there are countless churches populated with a white majority? Even with shared beliefs, people feel uncomfortable when they can't blend with the crowd, and they have the option to leave for whatever reason they choose.

Having limitless options really doesn't do great things for loyalty. It takes people of high character to stick with a church during the rough times, and most people can't live up to that standard. I've left a church or two in my day with hard feelings.

It seems to me that the way Western Christianity does "church" is still focused on the Sunday Service, and that is why I want to leave it behind. How many sermons have I heard that said that the church is the people in attendance and not the building? Do they mean that all Christians are the church, or just those in their denomination?

What if the church didn't revolve around a Sunday Service or an established denomination? What would it look like if it was just a collection of believers that had good relationships with one another? What if the nearly 200 million Christians in America decided that they were all the church body and we treated each other like brothers and sisters of the same faith? Wouldn't that make people begin to treat their neighbors a bit differently? Would we consider any time we spend with the other 199,999,999 Christians to be "fellowship"? A gathering time would be nice, but would it be necessary?

There is a 75% chance that the next American you see registered his or herself as a Christian on the 2008 census. What is the likelihood that you would treat that stranger as a brother or sister in Christ? What is the percentage of strangers that you treat with respect, or better yet, with unconditional love? Yet, at the Sunday morning service, you (hopefully) would treat all in attendance with the patience and love that comes with a shared faith in an unconditionally loving God. If we saw all Christians as the body of Christ, we might start to realize how much we have to offer those that are in need.

I am CERTAINLY not the best at this. I look at my customers at the Flying M as cattle lined up for the slaughter, not like humans in need of a little grace and love. I could also probably use some of that grace and love from the strangers I encounter, not that I deserve it.

So what do we do to solve this problem? Many have tried to start new churches, others strive to better the ones they are in, and others (like me) just give up. I would go to a church that was attended based on location like the public school system, but that would never happen (unless I joined the Catholic faith, like I mentioned earlier... Hmmm.)

Maybe I don't feel distanced from my beliefs, just alone in them. My problem probably comes from a feeling that I no longer belong to an official congregation that knows my name and my family and my personal life story.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this isn't true. I have a bounty of close friends in my life, probably more than most people who attend Sunday service style churches. When things go wrong, I have friends who gladly talk to me, when things go right, I have countless people wanting to celebrate. When I need somebody to tell me not to be such a jerk, I have that, too. I have friends who learn and grow with me. I have friends that I challenge and that challenge me right back. I have a group of people that I can trust to help me with pretty much anything I need.

I suppose I should stop to realize that I do have a church body that I rely on, and that I don't need to feel inferior or left out of the faith because I don't attend a Sunday service or have some middle aged pastor preaching at me regularly.

I feel better now.

Happy Easter, Christ died because he loved us and wanted us to be forgiven. Lets celebrate with endless practicing of love and forgiveness.